It’s here. The last seven days of freedom before this thing…this idea that I’ve put my hopes and dreams on – before it kicks on the thrusters and begins the epic journey to the moon. Sixteen credit hours await me starting next Monday and I start taking the long way home. A twelve year journey finally comes full circle.
Today the funds from the loan arrived and let me tell you it was really exciting looking at all that money in my account. It lasted less then an hour. Rent for the next four months? Paid. Cell phone bill for the next four months? Paid. Car insurance for the next four months? Paid. Books for school? Ordered. And that’s how I spent my student loan money.
Exciting, isn’t it? I mean this is the real stuff. It’s real life.
You may need to adjust your sarcasm meters out there because those last three lines were soaked in the intonation of the stuff. You think it’s going to be this great moment that makes you feel all better about deLaying (see what I did there?) your true career destiny but in the end I just shrugged my shoulders and moved on to the next item on my checklist.
But in the metephorical, rhetorical and spiritual sense there is plenty of stuff happening – especially in my head. I’m trying to decide what I wear to my first day of school. Do I do something different? Or do I just put on my khaki shorts, black shirt and tennis shoes? Don’t laugh – it’s one of those random things I’m sorting through in the middle of everything else. There’s also the consideration about how much I try to get to know my classmates aside from any group projects (insert groaning and gnashing of teeth here)? As this whole great schooling experiment continues I’ll be focusing my classes more and more to the specifics of my degree program. And I’ll be spending time with fellow journeymen and women in my intended field of employment.
I’m an introvert by nature. Some of you reading this can pick up your jaws off the floor and come back – it’s true. I’m not someone who enjoys the spotlight – even if I may give that impression. A friend of mine who’s going to graduate school – bless her in every way possible – is similar. She’s just as content to sit to the corner of the conversation reading a book or simply listening to what’s going in – content to be a wallflower.
I discovered recently that I’m comfortable being that person – and that I’m not as social as I once thought I was. Part of this was because I realized school was going to push me every which way but loose and that I was going to need to start drawing down my social adventures significantly. And so within that new discovery is where we come back to the question that started this whole conflagration of the mind – how much and what will I invest in my fellow classmates?
I know it’s a bit clinical (I have another friend who is very good at this – plus she’s a flippin’ genius) but it’s the only way I know how to look at this – taking it apart piece by piece to understand me, myself and I a little bit more. I don’t have the answers for this – it’s something I’m wrestling with continuously.
I think the image I have for this week in my head is that of clay being formed and reformed over and over again. Eventually something magnificent will come of all this internal and external struggle – and it’ll be a brilliant thing to behold.
Until then it’s going to be a muddy mess. And that’s ok.