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In a Holding Pattern

Well. How are you? Good? I’m fine. No, really. I’m great. I’ve just been waiting, watching and wondering for the last few weeks. You see, I had an MRI done on the 23rd of January. And you know what they found? A possible aneurysm. Roll those credits, cameraman.

I’m 32 years old and have been a stroke survivor since April 9th, 2008. I’ve had my share of MRI’s, CT’s and more. But nothing’s ever thrown the brakes on my life like this. Mind you a aneurysm isn’t something that’s going critical. When it starts to bleed or go embolic – that’s when things get exciting. But the problem with all of this is that I don’t know if there’s one in my head or not.

It’s a unique experience to be a young stroke survivor in the first place but it’s doubled as I walk around campus with the twenty-somethings of my school. When I hear them complain about how they “can’t even” or the latest injustice in one of their classes has them all bent out of shape it takes every muscle and force of will within me to hold back my peanut gallery comments. I wish I could bring them inside my head and show them all the struggles of dealing with a left side that doesn’t always cooperate. I want them to understand that there are bigger fish to fry and my possible bomb in my head waiting to explode is above whatever first world problem that has their underwear in a bind.

And so in the midst of my first few weeks of classes I’m struggling with the innate fears that come with having the possibility of the unknown hanging over you. And it’s got me all turned around – hence the title of this post. I’m in a holding pattern. I’m trying to remain calm and focused. It’s a bittersweet blessing that I’ve had a stroke (and all the accompanying tests and worries) because I’m remarkably steady when it comes to getting through the day.

It’s truly a God thing, to be honest.

I’m not here to preach down to you or demand you follow Him. I’ve been going back and forth about how to handle that subject within this blog – as it’s a chronicle of my journey to becoming a teacher – probably in Public School. There’s a definite “Separation of Church and State” that’s at play in that arena. As a teacher you can’t outright state your politics or invoke religion – or take a position with your students. And so I’ve been skirting it out of an abundance of caution should my future employers read this blog in the future. But given that what I’m dealing with is of a personal nature and my Faith is tied directly into it – it’s hard to avoid mentioning it.

But my relationship with God has been instrumental in this journey from the stroke 7 years ago to this latest malady today. My family has been praying, my friends have been praying and folks on twitter have been praying. I am so humbled by the kindness of it.

I had a CTA with contrast on Tuesday. Today’s Wednesday. Tomorrow (Thursday) I expect to get results. It will either be nothing or something. If it’s something – it’s a neurosurgery consultation. And things get complicated further down that road. I’m praying that it doesn’t, I’m asking God that whatever is in my head is healed and I’m believing in His Will for my life.

So that’s where we’re at today. Once I have a better idea of where things have settled I’ll return to chronicling my journey. There’s several posts about education just boiling underneath the surface that’ll surely shake some things up.

Until next time.

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